Meditation on Friendship

I think Wednesday nights and Sunday afternoons have always been hard times for me; down times. I understand people who don’t like church; during a period of depression in my life, I found church an actively painful place for me to be. But usually, I really enjoy church. (Well…except when it’s infuriating, but that’s another post.)
I love Bible study (when it happens); I love greeting everybody (when I’m not busy and distracted); I love seeing (and teasing) the kids and youth; most of all, I love being in worship. In high school, once I started driving, my family made fun of the fact that I was always one of the last people to leave the building. Church is a high for me.

Wednesday night late, and Sunday afternoon late, I have the letdown. Coming back to Earth. Returning to the everyday grind.

Since I went on church staff full time, this has been far truer than ever before. It used to be that I went to church to worship and to see my friends. That was true at FBC Mauldin (and certainly with BSU), at Brookwood, and at EBF. I suppose churches have the reputation, unfortunately richly deserved, of being judgmental places. But for me – whether with the youth at FBCM, or in BSU, or my div school friends at Brookwood, with the fellow pilgrims at EBF – church was a place of acceptance. I was at home. I was known and valued. I was active, I did stuff, I worked – but first and foremost it was a place of friendship. So the letdown was that I’d been with my friends and then had to leave them.

Now, I go to church to work. And I don’t have pure friendships at church anymore; everyone has some expectation of you or from you. And you’re there with people who (whether correctly or not) see it as their right and function to judge you, your performance, whether you’re good enough. They decide your salary, and your day off, and they talk about you to each other without any sense of shame or discretion. That’s just how it is. There are many people at my church that I feel great affection for, and trust that they do for me (as well as others that I know do not, but that’s also another post). Like it or not, church since I went on staff full time is a place where I am judged. I’m on display among a crowd.

For an introvert like me, this is a big deal. Being an introvert doesn’t mean I don’t love being around people; as I said above, that’s one of the reasons I love coming to church. But it’s draining. On some low level, just being with a crowd draws my energy away. And knowing that the crowd is watching you, weighing you, judging you…that amplifies the drain enormously. I work hard to stay authentic, to be as real and transparent as I can…but working hard is hard work. It’s tough, as an introvert, to be open and transparent with a group that’s judging you. And there are some (many) that I just can’t be fully authentic with. So some portion of my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs has to stay hidden. And that, too, is draining. Generally speaking, by Wednesday night or Sunday afternoon, I’m exhausted completely, physically and emotionally.

Now, interestingly, when real worship breaks out, when I feel my focus and the room’s on God, that gives me energy. During those moments, I don’t have to be hidden. We’re in God’s presence and I can be free to be me.

So anyway, part of the letdown of church ending is that worship is over, and the sense of being judged returns, sometimes intensified by people telling you what was wrong with worship.

But I’ve found that, introvert though I am, not everyone drains me energy. There are some folks who (generally) give me energy.

Friends. Pure friends. People who don't want see me first for what they expect of me. People who purely enjoy my presence.

Not just people I'm friendly with. You know, friends.

I’ve been thinking, off and on, lately more on than off, about the nature of friendship. For a single person, friendship assumes a significance and importance that you married folks lose, I think. Your family, rightfully, becomes top priority - under God, hopefully. For me, under God, friends make the world go round.

For me, some things are non-negotiable for friendship. Two biggies are mutual respect and trust. I need to know that I’m valued by the people that I value; few things are more unpleasant (hurtful) than finding out that you’re less important to someone than they are to you. So that mutual sense of respecting/liking/valuing each other is important. And trust. I have to know that I can trust you. That you’re not judging me, that you can see my flaws and weaknesses as well as my strengths, and still value me. And I have to know that you’re honest with me, that you have that same trust in me. Without that, there’s no basis for friendship.

But with that mutual trust and respect…ah. There’s magic in that. I’m an introvert, even people I like drain me. But if you’re a real friend? If I respect and trust you and believe in your trust and respect for me? 

Well then, I don’t have to work to stay hidden. I can trust you and relax. And I don’t have to work to be authentic. I can let go and let it flow. I can be sarcastic or sentimental, obnoxious or compassionate, supportive or mocking, say what I think and mean what I say and not worry that what I said is going to come back to bite me, that someone’s going to judge me for it and try to take me out with it. 

There are people whose simple presence relaxes me. If I sent you an invitation to see this post (not an exhaustive list, by the way), you are one of those people, at least sometimes. We’re all human and far from Heaven. Sometimes family can annoy me, sometimes friends become distant. But for the most part, your proximity gives me rest and renews my strength. In that way, you are the presence of Christ to me; Christ, who said “come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” Simply being you, being someone that I trust to trust and respect me, just that. Not anything you say or do. Just…the fact of you. 

This is why, in college, I could spend a full day in class and a full night at church, and still stay up til midnight talking with Tom Smith, my mentor and friend. This is why, after the enormous energy drain of being among church people and being friendly to church people and teaching SS and leading worship, going out to lunch with some of our college students refreshes rather than exhausts me. 

You give me rest. You show me Christ. 

So friendship…it’s big. Jesus said to his disciples that he saw them as friends, not servants. Friendship is a picture of Christ and the church, just as much as the more often repeated picture of marriage. 

Friends, I admit that sometimes I may be tempted to cling to you, rather than to the Christ you help me see. I value you greatly; sometimes, I overvalue. Moreover, I fear that for some of you, rather than giving you rest, I drain you. 

You see, I value that mutual trust and respect. So if I ever feel some barrier to that? I will fight for it. I will confront the barrier and try to get past it. That, of course, takes energy, and strength, and courage (far more, I think, than the silent “grin and bear it” path that our culture encourages us, especially men, to take). I fear for many of you it stretches you outside your comfort zone. I’m sorry. I’ll probably do it anyway, trusting in friendship to get us through it, trusting in your respect/trust in me to make you speak up if I push too far. 

Yes, friends, you give me energy when you’re near. So lately…I’m tired. Things aren’t going poorly or anything. I’m just…not near. Christ be with you, friends.

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Sacrifice and Celebration

It’s fitting that it’s only now, for the first time in eons, that I’m able to make the time and the effort for a new blog post. This is the season of Lent, a season of discipline.

I grew up (and still am) Baptist, and Lent was not something we talked about or observed in my early years. It wasn’t until high school that I heard of the mysterious “Maundy Thursday.” I wasn’t part of a Good Friday Tenebrae service until about 5 years ago, while I was hospice chaplain and a member of Emmanuel Baptist Fellowship in Lexington, SC. By that time I was a seminary grad, and it was at my (interdenominational) seminary, Beeson Divinity School, that I first was asked by someone what I was giving up for Lent. Probably an Episcopalian. (I hadn’t planned to give up anything, thanks much.)


Sacrifice isn’t that popular an idea in our consumption-driven culture. Perhaps it’s that contrast that makes Lent intriguing to me. Or maybe it’s the appeal of the unfamiliar and new (to me; Lent is OLD), making Lent seem exotic and exciting. In theory, at least. In previous years, my attempts to give up something for Lent have generally been wildly unsuccessful. Me and discipline? Distant acquaintances, at best, and we don't really get along, to be honest.

This year, I’m trying something different. Two days in (38 to go), I’m doing well. It’s early yet, but I’m hopeful the excitement will last this time. Because I've finally understood that despite the common perception, Lent isn’t really about giving something up. The sacrifice is a means, not an end. We sacrifice a human good for a divine better.

I think Lent, like Advent, is really about preparation. We get ready to celebrate Easter (the resurrection of the One Who saved us from sin and death) by reflecting on our need for a Savior. We give up something important to us, that has a grip on us. We turn that time and energy from what we've given up and put that into the Kingdom of God instead.

So this Lenten season, I’m giving up buying meals when I’m alone. I’m a single guy who works many, often most, nights. And I’m really not a cook. So I buy most (75% or more, breakfast, lunch, and supper) of my meals from a restaurant – occasionally going and eating there, but more often (and more problematically) doing take out or fast food.

Giving this up is clearly in my own best interests, as are most of the “sacrifices” God asks from us. Eating out is more expensive and less healthy. By fixing meals at home, I’ll consume less empty calories, get more nutrients, and save money. Still, I tried this last year, and it was (as alluded to above) a spectacular failure. The personal benefits didn't outweigh the sheer inconvenience. Getting up earlier to fix meals? Fixing meals at the end of a work day? Blargh. Last time I tried this it just made me grumpy.

But this year, any day I’m unmotivated to cook, or inclined to cheat, I’m shifting focus. I'm going to figure out what meal I want and how much money it would cost me. Then I'm going to donate that amount.

I’m not sure where I’ll donate it to – there are lots of good possibilities. Maybe the Change This World fundraiser our youth are involved in for summer camp. It’s very likely to go to one of the five initiatives from the YouChoose video. Maybe it’ll go to a smaller, more local organization - the Food Pantry here at Westfield, Love Wins Ministries in Raleigh, Union Mission in Roanoke Rapids.

The point is, each time I’m tempted to give in, I can do something positive instead. Ironically, the less tempted I feel, the less money I’ll raise. Conversely, the more money I give, the more tempted and flawed it’ll mean I am. :) But if anyone else wanted to join me by doing something similar in your life, so that we could celebrate together how God led us to take something unhealthy and turn it to something good - that would be cool to hear about from you folks!

Caveats and fine print: I can still eat out if invited by someone else. I don’t get to share a meal with someone else all that often, and doing so is a Good Thing. Also, one day a week is a day of celebration, when the Lenten restriction is relaxed. Hey, I didn't come up with this! But I am adapting it to my situation. Traditionally the day of celebration is Sunday, the day of worship. For the time being, I’m going to make it Thursday, my day off. This is part of trying to more closely observe Sabbath on my off-day – another Lenten discipline, actually.

So that’s the plan for Lent this year. How about you? How are you spending Lent? How are you preparing to celebrate the Savior?

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Life Update

So, what's been up over the last year?

In brief, in May 2008 (I think) I was contacted by a church in Dunn, NC, looking for their first full-time Associate Pastor, with responsibility for music, youth, and children's ministry. I, of course, had never considered youth or children's ministry as possible avenues of service for myself. In fact, in seminary, the only two things I "knew" where that I wasn't being called to preach or to be a youth minister. Shows what I knew!


It's a church of 85 or so attenders, with a choir of 15, youth group of 6, and children's ministry (k-5th) of 20-25. I moved in mid-August and started working officially in September, and it feels like I've not had a moment's rest since! This is not really good - I'm going to have to do better Sabbathing - but it has been interesting and exciting. In a lot of ways, it feels like the culmination of work I've been doing in bits and pieces for the last 15 years - I get a use for skills I learned in pastoral care as a chaplain (esp. as it's an older congregation), a use for musical skills I hadn't used in awhile (I'm having a ball planning worship and rehearsing a choir again - I'd really missed that), skills learned dabbling in college ministry the last couple of years, things learned working with the education ministry at my old church (Emmanuel Baptist Fellowship, Lexington SC), where I was part of a small, semi-missional church where I learned a lot of other things that I'm now putting to use.

The difference is, while I was a chaplain and a church pianist and a volunteer college minister, I was doing these things in bits and pieces, at different times and places. Now all those bits and pieces get to be used in the same place. I feel more whole and fulfilled than I have in years.

It's a good church. It calls itself missional, which it's not. We have a project every month or so where we have an emphasis on a particular project or need, and raise money for it, fairly successfully. There are also times of service - and the church works pretty hard on some of them, like Operation Christmas Child, or putting together packages for Meals on Wheels at Christmas, or supporting a food bank. But the service times, while good and valid, aren't relational - we rarely meet the people we're ministering too. As a result, though there's some talk about the least of these, we're rarely meeting or going to church with people "not like us".

But there's a lot of good things going on, and a lot of potential for better (more relational, loving, Kingdom-serving things), and some of us (I like to to think I'm included here) are starting to get the mental and emotional shift necessary to understand giving not as giving money but giving your whole self, even as Christ gave His whole self to us.

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Vocation Check-up

51 weeks ago, in one of my last posts before my hiatus, I wrote this:

My understanding of vocation may be shifting, by the way.
I still agree and am passionate about what I've said [about "being a minister"] - being a reminder [to others that they are ministers, too], equipper, and community-builder. But there's another element that's come to the surface in the last few years, an element that working in hospitals and hospices has helped to crystallize, as well as reading literature from the emerging church and my own Bible study.

I have seen too many men and women die feeling lonely and cut off from the church…too many people die without believing they are loved, or that God intended for them, for us all, to have lives of meaning and purpose - to know that we are of infinite value. I have watched people die who never got to the point where they trusted that.

My dream is to be a part of a church community that is not content to leave those needs in other hands. My dream is to be a part of a church that believes Jesus meant it when he said that whatever we have done for the least of these - feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, caring for the sick, visiting the prisoners and the oppressed - whatever we have done for them, we have done for Christ.

And whatever we have not done for them, we have not done for Christ.

The fact is, the church is meant to be doing this work....

More true than ever. And hard to do. Churches, like every institution, take on a life of their own. It's completely possible to get so involved in maintaining the daily functioning of the group that you don't attend to things outside. It shouldn't be possible. But it is. And this is why we need church. For all the pit-falls of an organization, there's also a corresponding benefit. Church is doing what it's supposed to when the people you're with challenge and inspire you to reach out, open up (to God and neighbor), to dream and to experiment on ways to join God in the world.

If you're part of a church that doesn't do that, you may need to look for another.

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A tweet (but not that kind)

Well, it's been nearly a year since my last post. In that time I've accepted a new job (a calling to church) in a new town in a new state and begun to integrate into a new community. It's been extraordinarily busy, mostly good, occasionally painful, usually exhilirating, and always time-consuming.

And so I've not been posting.

Some of that is, honestly, because as I was in the job interview process I decided I needed to not put all my thoughts on-line...that I wanted to be honest and transparent with interviewers but still maintain the right to filter.

Since I've moved and started working...in a church, where people should be loved and accepted for who they are, but as we all know, that's a struggle...since I've moved, I've continued to wrestle with the boundaries of public and private honesty, and haven't quite decided to start posting again. And, of course, I've simply been really busy, too.

Plus, about a month before I stopped posting semi-regularly, I discovered Facebook...and that deflected a lot of my on-line time.

But I have missed the outlet for self-reflection combined with reaching out. I've begun to feel that I'm too busy *not* to make time for that, actually. And the twitterization of Facebook makes my like for it a little less - and I feel the need for something that allows more of me, and less time dodging invitations to add new apps.

So anyway, now that I've had a year to forget how this works...here's a peep of a whistle. I'm back, I think. See you soon.

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